This article presents portraits of women who chose to fulfill their dream of becoming mothers, even though they were single. Being a single mother is a possible and accessible reality. These women, who have fully embraced this experience, share their journeys and unique perspectives.

Through these writings, it is possible to better understand the motivations of those who decide to become single mothers, the steps they must take, as well as the challenges they face and the factors that have helped them along the way.

Birth rates around the world

In terms of demographics in several countries around the world, we see that women today are having children at a later age than before. Statistics show that the 28-32 age group has surpassed the 18-25 age group, which is a first in the history of perinatal care. This situation will have an impact on women’s fertility, which declines with age as their ovarian reserve becomes depleted over time, and certain complications during pregnancy and childbirth are more likely to occur at a later age.

Many women and men today prefer not to commit too early in their lives or too quickly to a stable relationship. Many now choose to remain single for longer and often want to finish their studies, travel, find a home they like, and achieve their professional goals before committing to a relationship and becoming parents. This leads them to postpone having children. This situation is also reflected in the impressive statistics on separations and divorces currently being recorded. Just because you live with someone and are together to have children does not mean you will live the rest of your life as a family.

Often, we quietly cherish a more traditional family model with a father, mother, and future children. This model is not always possible to follow. The result of all this is that many women want children, but time is passing quickly. Finding themselves alone and older, some women choose to have a baby on their own before it is too late and hope that a man will come along later to join their dyad.

As one participating mother so aptly put it: “Fertility has an end, but finding love has no age limit.”

Socially

From a sociological perspective, it is clear that the traditional family model remains the most widely accepted. However, today’s reality shows us a wide variety of family models: nuclear families (mom and dad), couples with large age differences (older man with younger woman), two moms, two dads, blended families, single mothers or fathers raising their children alone following a breakup, adoptive parents, and women who decide to become single mothers. Although the latter are still few in number, it is believed that this trend will continue to grow over time.

One might wonder how this decision to be a single mother will affect the woman? In her family, her circle of friends, and in the eyes of others?

Through Judeo-Christian education, which is often instilled from a young age, it is clear that this new reality goes against the grain. This way of conceiving motherhood is considered “unusual,” as they say! But times are changing, and so are the options. Despite greater openness to different family structures, some women who decide to be single mothers will feel judged as selfish, even crazy, and will try to explain and justify themselves in response to comments they receive. Others will feel guilty when thinking about their future child because they will not have a father to introduce to them, and they may also anticipate negative reactions from their child in the longer term to their choice to have had them alone.

Who are these single mothers?

Women who decide to have a child on their own are neither “aliens” nor ‘crazy’ nor “reckless.”

These are women who are most often approaching their forties, that fateful age when the biological clock is ticking loudly, putting them under great pressure to take action, lest they miss their chance. It’s now or never!

Even though many women express their dream of one day becoming a mother in their twenties, they wait patiently for the perfect opportunity to arise: a stable relationship with THE MAN of their dreams, their partner, who will become their lover and the father of their children. It must be said that things don’t always turn out the way we want them to, which is why many of them say they keep a Plan B in mind in case life decides otherwise.

That is why, as time goes by, the option of becoming a single mother will become more concrete and even obvious for many of them, who will begin the formal process of insemination.

Many of these women have met men who do not share their desire to have children. Either they were not ready or had difficulty committing officially, or they already had children from previous relationships and did not want to repeat the experience of fatherhood. In short, they were not on the same wavelength at all.

These disappointed women come to believe that they must overcome their fears and rush into this project of becoming a mother without putting it off until tomorrow, without being dependent on anyone else, without waiting for all the elements to possibly come together at the right moment.

It should also be noted that some women enjoy being single and choose to be alone so they can live their lives their own way without compromise. They feel complete and happy, and their desire to be a mother is greater than their desire to be in a relationship. This makes becoming a single mother a very realistic option for them.

Often full of personality, these women are independent, determined, resourceful, self-sufficient, highly responsible, with good jobs, good incomes, often homeowners, and say they have strong support from family and friends in making this decision. She will have support if needed, and the baby will grow up surrounded by significant and loving people. This is what encourages them to take on this great challenge in life.

What motivates the decision to be a single mother?

There can be all sorts of reasons behind the decision to have a child alone.

When asked about their motivation, some respond that they have always known they would become mothers at some point in their lives. Their desire for motherhood is so strong that the decision to have children comes naturally, instinctively.

Others describe their feelings by saying that it has always been their dream. That they want to experience something that is said to be indescribable, that they have a lot of love to give and share. That they adore children and want to enjoy family life.

The revelation

These women say that at some point, they had a “flash,” a “revelation,” a “wake-up call” that shook them to their core. It also led them to rethink the rest of their lives. Following a re-evaluation of their life choices, repeated romantic disappointments, a meaningful encounter with a single mother, a break from work due to psychological distress, or the death of a significant person in their circle, they were inspired to pursue their dreams while there was still time.

Every woman has her own story, her own life journey, and her own deep motivations. One thing is certain: being a mother was a priority in their lives.

Decision making

When deciding to become a single mother, it goes without saying that some preparation is advisable. This is, of course, so as not to overlook certain steps that are necessary to properly assess the situation as a whole.

It all starts with a long-held dream, followed by careful consideration of how to make that dream come true.

Many say:

• They informed their families and friends about the possible future project. Not necessarily to get their approval, but to let them know before they heard about it from someone else. Some were curious to see how they would react to the idea. They also wanted to confirm certain things, such as their presence, support, and tangible help for her and the potential child.
• Talked with people who have had this experience in order to learn more about their stories and be inspired.
• Also searched the internet for information about the services offered by different fertility clinics and how sperm banks work.
• Have reviewed their finances, since the costs involved in such a venture necessarily require careful consideration beforehand. The expenses incurred are an integral part of reality. Moving forward with this project requires money. It is important to consider the financial aspect in the short term, but also in the long term, given that one parent alone will have to bear the entire burden. For insemination, for example, the cost of products, procedures, and time off work during the various stages all add up to a hefty bill. Needless to say, the arrival of a child will obviously entail future expenses throughout their life.
• Have met with their family doctor to ensure they are in good health at the outset. Discuss their plans, review their recommendations, and accept referrals from their doctor as needed.
• have consulted a psychologist, psychotherapist, or social worker. This is required by most fertility clinics to help with the final decision before undergoing the actual procedures.

Take time to reflect

The women consulted for this article revealed that even though they had been thinking about it for many years, it usually took them between six months and three years to make up their minds and begin the process.

Who are these progenitors?

The vast majority of women who decide to become single mothers will choose sperm banks with known or unknown donors, who may be anonymous but, in some cases, may have an open identity. This means that the child will have the opportunity, later in life, to find out who their biological father is. They will then be able to learn more about their origins and history if they feel the need to do so at some point.

Some mothers say they have photos of the donor, their personal and family history, related characteristics, and a complete file of several dozen pages revealing many details about the person, which they can give to their child one day if they wish.

More rarely, some women will opt instead for home insemination with fresh sperm from a known donor. Doing so allows them to meet the donor, talk together, and make the experience more human, more intimate, and less expensive at the same time.

Vision of the role of parent

They know they will never be both a mother and a father to their child. But they will do their best to be the best mother possible for him. For example, by making sure there are good male role models around to fill the void left by the absence of a father figure in their daily lives.

Being alone during pregnancy, giving birth to your baby, and raising them afterwards often raises questions and concerns. But who doesn’t have them when they become a parent? A supportive network helps you feel less alone because it surrounds you as you go through these different stages.

Still, over time, many single mothers will say that they found certain periods more difficult than others to get through. But the fact remains that they are less difficult than imagining life without children. They talk about the mental and psychological burden of being the sole responsible parent. Of also being the only authority figure at home for a child who is completely dependent for a long time. It’s a demanding role, but it’s not insurmountable!

You have to be organized, responsible, patient, and live day by day. Be in the present and try to let go, as many of the mothers interviewed so aptly put it. You have to keep faith in your ability to be a mother and in the love you have to give to your child.

Several express certain fears in their stories that may vary over time, such as:

• later on, the child understands all the love that went into the decision to become a single mother. That he or she accepts the fact that they don’t have a father
• the child lacks male role models or faces
• the child knows how much they were wanted, expected, and dreamed of
  not being able to provide for them over time
• others’ judgment of my life choices
• the fear of loneliness
• the prospect that one day we will no longer be here and our child will suddenly become an orphan is frightening.

Single mother: What was the most difficult and most helpful part of the whole process?

Don’t imagine that every step of becoming a single mother goes smoothly. Just like a couple who wants to start a family, there is sometimes a significant difference between what you want and reality. As one of my participants so aptly put it:

“Even if you are determined to become a single mother, even if you have planned it and are well prepared, it must be said that the role of a parent is full of unexpected events, whether you are alone or not.”

The most difficult

What has been most difficult for many women is all the stress that accompanies such a process and the failed attempts at conception that they have had to endure, some of them repeatedly. It is a total investment of body and soul that everyone puts into this project, and facing one or more setbacks takes an emotional toll that is 200% greater.

When pregnancy proves to be more difficult, with fatigue, nausea, complications, and hospitalizations, these periods are not easy, and one can feel very alone. The desire must be strong and powerful to stay the course and remember the deep reason that brought us this far: the dream of becoming a mother!

More broadly, it can be noted that many single mothers have to deal with certain derogatory comments or judgments from people around them, recurring questions about the donor, significant expenses to bear alone, certain family conflicts at times, and finally, spending the first few months with the baby mostly alone, even if they need to recover from childbirth. Later on, some highlight the work-life balance as a major adjustment when being alone and taking on the role of single parent through the different stages of the child’s development, including the “terrible twos.”

Often, the challenges encountered lead to solutions, with good people crossing our path at the right time to ease our experience and make life more enjoyable.

The factors that helped them

When I asked the women participants to tell me about the factors that helped them throughout their journey, they were eager to express their gratitude for all the good things that life had allowed them to experience.

Certainly, several factors were reassuring from the outset for many of them, such as having a stable job, a good financial situation, a nice home, and a supportive and loving network. Added to this were pleasant surprises, such as being accompanied by competent, reassuring, and empathetic people throughout the conception process and afterwards at home. Discovering their neighborhood, new perinatal resources, community support groups, and even online groups specifically for single mothers.

I then wanted to know what these women would say to another woman who is thinking of becoming a single mother herself. Here’s what they said.

What would you say to a woman who is thinking about becoming a single mother?

All of the participants in my data collection were unanimous about what they would say to a woman thinking about becoming a single mother: “Go for it,” “Follow your heart,” “Make your dream come true,” “Yes, it’s possible,” “It’s your choice,” “Don’t wait for the perfect situation.”

In addition to these initial spontaneous reactions, they offered some additional recommendations based on their own experiences, such as:

• Take the time to explain the steps to them,
• don’t wait 40 years to start the process,
• have a stable life in every respect beforehand,
• have a strong support network around you,
• accept the help offered and don’t hesitate to ask for more if needed.

In conclusion, becoming a single mother is a life-changing experience. The stories collected, shared with such authenticity and sincerity, are filled with emotion, optimism, and life. They illustrate how the desire for motherhood can overcome all obstacles.

Here are three excerpts from mothers’ testimonials that particularly reflect their achievements:

“It’s the most beautiful experience of a lifetime.”

“The greatest gift is having been chosen by my child to be their mother. My child pushes me to be better so that I can set the best possible example for them.”

“Becoming a mother is an opportunity to surpass myself every day and give my child the best.”

Marie Fortier
The baby expert