I was wondering if it’s normal that my spouse and I are having couple problems since I became pregnant. I feel like he has a grudge against me because I’m pregnant, even if he wanted the baby too. I really don’t understand and feel bad. I don’t know if this can harm the baby, because I cry a lot, scream and feel guilty because it doesn’t change anything. It’s getting worse, and I want to talk about it with my partner, but he doesn’t want to. What should I do? Anais

Hello Anais,

I am happy you took the time to ask this question because many women who experience your situation isolate themselves to hide their suffering. Your question can help other women understand that violence is never a solution.

Anais, pregnancy is a period full of significant changes for you, your partner and your couple. Each person has to adjust, and some do it better than others.

I don’t know you or your partner personally, and I don’t know how you solved conflicts before your pregnancy. But I can say that the perinatal period is full of significant tension that can lead to verbal and even physical violence.

Pregnancy can trigger harmful attitudes, negative behaviours, and this can progress throughout the pregnancy and even during the postnatal period with your baby.

Anais, I am very affected by your question because I feel you are suffering, feel powerless in the face of your situation. It seems to be getting worse over time, and I am worried for you and your baby. You may be in danger because it seems there is an escalation in the violence! The intensity can increase even further, and if your partner doesn’t want to talk with you or ask for help, you need to protect yourself, find a safe place and ask for help yourself.

You have to talk about your situation with someone you trust or with a health professional to get assistance. And if your partner changes his mind about getting help, the door is already open for him.

I often hear women tell me that “he isn’t hitting me.” But he doesn’t have to hit you! He doesn’t have to scream at you, denigrate you, criticize you all the time or blame you for everything. If he calls you names, diminishes you, prevents you from seeing friends or family, it’s NOT normal! You shouldn’t have to tolerate this, as he may push you, grab your arm, slap you or force you to have sexual contact. This can be avoided. Don’t wait for it to get to this point. 

Women who live with violence often tolerate it for long periods, believing that the situation will improve after childbirth when he will see the baby. This is totally false.

The magic of the first moments of life with your baby are short-term, and the circle of violence can return quickly. Living with a baby is also disruptive on daily lives if there wasn’t a balance before their birth.

The needs of a dependent baby, for breastfeeding, diaper changes, crying…all of this adds stress to a couple and family.

If you need help, I suggest you contact available resources in your area ASAP.

I want you to keep yourself safe, and my thoughts are with you.

Talk soon,

Marie

The Baby Expert