Fatherhood doesn’t start in the maternity ward! It starts much earlier!
A man develops throughout life, and this is influenced by their education, environment, development, etc. As they age, men can wear many hats: worker, lover, friend and then father. But all these roles are influenced by their past, life elements developed over time.
Many authors have written about the topic of becoming a father. Denis Lord says that “a father doesn’t give life, that would be too easy, a father gives love!” And Frederick Buechner wrote, “When a child is born, a father is also born.”
There is no recipe for becoming a parent, either for fathers or mothers. Research has focused on becoming a mother to understand changes during pregnancy better and on the arrival of the baby, attachment, etc. But the literature doesn’t talk about fathers that much. What is positive is that today, there is much more information available. Many organisations and associations have been started for fathers that want to play an essential role for their child and to promote their experiences as men in the process of becoming or being a parent, a father.
It’s essential that fathers feel involved in the process, from conception forward. Along with their life partner, they will be in the front row to welcome their baby, enjoying the pleasure of discovering this new part of their lives.
Having a first baby brings out very deep and yet unexplainable emotions, which vary from one person to the next. You have to live it to understand, right?
Health professionals have to involve fathers in their approach, involve them in decisions and conversations, inform them about what is going on. What fathers feel is also essential on the road to parenthood. The public message should be that the father is someone significant and their role should be recognised as integral to the family.
Based on studies on paternal depression during the perinatal period (from conception to six months after childbirth), about 10% of men will be affected.
What explains paternal depression?
Dads are also scared! They also have many questions, and worry about how the baby’s arrival will change their life! They also reflect on how they will be as a father to a baby, how they can develop a relationship with them and learn to adapt to their new social role, especially if this is their first baby.
Some will have had positive father figures in their life. This increases their confidence because they simply need to do the same thing as their father did. Others don’t want to repeat the mistakes of their father and are somewhat lost in how to develop their role.
Many factors can lead to depression symptoms during this transition period:
- Insecurity in their father role
- Social pressure for perfection
- The desire to have a successful life
- Lack of positive father figures
- Lack of support from friends and family
- Worries about money
Other Factors
These sources of stress can also contribute to the appearance of signs of depression in a future or new father:
- If the future father already went through depression
- If the baby is a surprise
- If the couple isn’t functioning properly
- If the pregnancy is at risk
- If sexual relations are too infrequent
- If they don’t have time for leisure activities
- If they have financial difficulties
- If their sleep habits are disturbed
- If they feel alone
Don’t forget that parenthood requires the couple to overcome a new challenge, an adjustment, a learning process in the face of new responsibilities. It’s not always easy to renegotiate daily tasks while adding in the care for a new child.
Signs of Depression in Future and New Fathers
Men are very different from women when it comes time to look for signs of depression. Men will not necessarily be sad or isolate themselves like with most women in the same situation. Women often express themselves with emotions, through their experiences, verbalising what they feel. Men do so more through actions.
Behavioral changes are often the first sign, because expressing their emotional state is often perceived as a weakness. Men can be more irritable, aggressive, throw tantrums and overreact to silly things. They can even become hostile. They may flee or they may become hyperactive. They will work around the clock, do intense physical activity (which they never did before), or will use drugs or alcohol (substance abuse), to flee their heavy reality.
These signs often mask a feeling of insecurity, poor self-esteem about their ability to become or be a good father. Yes, men can isolate themselves, but evidence seems to show that they can experience deep internal suffering, even suicidal thoughts, even if they are men and didn’t give birth.
Preventing Paternal Depression
To prevent paternal depression when a baby arrives, you have to look to protective factors even before conceiving the baby. Take time for yourself, think about who you are, do things you like, and communicate with your partner. A satisfying and full relationship with your partner helps both of you get through the stage of becoming parents with less turmoil. Help each other, share responsibility, talk and listen to each other about what you are experiencing. This will lighten the load and ease adaptation to a new role.
Taking care of yourself and the couple and having friends and family that support you can be only positive. Hang out with other men that you appreciate and who can guide you as you develop your father figure role. This is all very helpful and can prevent the appearance of paternal depression. Healthy lifestyle habits, a balanced work-family life, proper diet, proper sleep, time with the family and support network – these are also important helpful factors.
When the baby arrives, you need to have father-baby time to create a link and develop a close relationship. Make sure that this time is special, reserved for only the two of you. Father-child attachment develops through repeated contact. If their actions are seen as appropriate by others, men will feel more skilled, proud and satisfied.
There’s help for dads too!
Even if you think you’re ready to welcome your child, there’s always an adjustment to make, for both mother and father.
Health professionals are aware of the diagnosis of paternal depression during the perinatal period, and there are resources and help available to help you see things more clearly and support you through this particular stage of life. But don’t wait until you’ve reached the end of your resources!
Without help, symptoms can worsen over time, with far-reaching consequences for your health, the rest of your family and your environment. The development of your relationship with your child and with your partner may also suffer.
Accept the help and support of those close to you, and have the openness and maturity to ask for help in coping with your suffering. See your doctor or a healthcare professional for help. Psychotherapy is possible, as are self-help groups for fathers in the community and medication if the situation calls for it.
Dads, please consider yourself to be very, very important people in the preparation for becoming a parent.Don’t be afraid to ask for help!
To gain insights into perinatal depression, a video is available that was created in collaboration with a psychologist specializing in the subject. It can be viewed here: Perinatal Depression (live video in French) – Marie Fortier & Prenato
Marie Fortier
The Baby Expert
