Going through a separation or divorce is a challenge for any couple, but imagine when there are one or more young children to consider in the equation.
Young children are at the mercy of their environment when it comes to discovering the world around them, experiencing things in order to develop various skills, both physical and psychological, emotional, and social. Parents, by virtue of their role, are the most significant people in the child’s life at the outset, accompanying them as they grow and ensuring their safety, stability, and development. This is why we say that a very young child is dependent on their experiences!
It is safe to say that divorce or separation can have a direct impact on a child’s development, especially for children under the age of 4, as they are very sensitive to the climate and environment in which they grow up in early childhood.
Mitigating the possible consequences for young children will inevitably require parents to recognize that their babies are not able to understand what is happening to their parents, and that they must still meet their needs in an environment that will allow them to continue to develop physically, psychologically, and emotionally.
Statistics on separations and divorces among couples
It comes as no surprise to anyone that there has been a marked increase in separation and divorce rates worldwide in recent decades, and the perinatal period is no exception. In industrialized countries, this rate has more than doubled.
What we have seen in particular in recent years is that separations often occur earlier and can be repeated in subsequent relationships and blended families.
It is clear that the COVID-19 pandemic has not improved these rather bleak statistics, quite the contrary. With the lockdown in place, there has been a growing and very real trend in the number of separation requests since the beginning of the crisis, especially among families with young children. The increased stress related to managing work, loss of income, pre-existing couple dynamics, and everyday life with young children puts a strain on couples and creates frustration and irritability over time.
Going through a separation or divorce inevitably requires major adjustments for a family. It also brings about significant changes for young children, who are at the heart of this upheaval. Parents themselves are often suffering and destabilized by the unknown and uncertainty about their future, and are often less able to offer the usual listening ear and comfort. Babies, for their part, are very sensitive to their environment, which they need to develop trust in, and the separation of their parents directly affects the safe and stable living environment they had enjoyed until then.
Important considerations during a separation or divorce
There are several factors that can arise during a separation. Some can be helpful, while others tend to be detrimental to children experiencing this difficult reality. It is certain that if parents are coping reasonably well with the situation and managing to function on a daily basis as usual, this will greatly help the child throughout the process.
Here are three factors that can significantly affect young children’s well-being, and which parents can control to some extent to minimize the potential negative impact:
- The level of hostility between parents, how conflicts are handled, and how violence is avoided.
- Maintaining the level of parenting skills and practices.
- Maintaining a warm and loving parent-child relationship.
When establishing a new reality, everything is in flux and needs to be redefined. For a baby, secure family routines are very important reference points for maintaining a certain degree of balance: their room, their bed, their toys, and any pets in the household.
A baby is not able to understand the concept of time. If a reassuring object or comforting person disappears and remains invisible for several days, that person will no longer exist for the baby, which could obviously cause tension and stress. Not only can a young baby be separated from one of its parents for a period of time, but despite its young age, it can also witness arguments between its parents, which will make it even more insecure.
Scientific studies on the possible consequences of separation involving babies are much less documented and extensive than for older children.
Signs to look for in young children
Every child’s development is complex and unique, but babies cannot express themselves beyond their capabilities. This makes them more vulnerable during this period of rapid growth, both physically and cognitively, as well as socially and emotionally.
Since they are very sensitive to their environment, certain clinical manifestations can be observed that suggest that changes experienced within the family are reflected in everyday reactions and behaviors such as: unexpected crying, agitation, aggression, disturbed sleep, eating less, eczema flare-ups, vomiting, and even a slight fever when there is a change in routine. Over time, some more sensitive children may become isolated and show signs of passivity and depression. The literature tells us that a 5- or 6-year-old child may be better able to understand the context of change. That is why it is essential to take the child’s age and level of maturity into consideration when parents have to make decisions about the amount of parental time granted to each parent and the possibility of alternating between residences.
The needs of young children to consider during a separation
Brazelton and Greenspan are two renowned pediatricians and professors in the field of child psychological development. They have compiled a list of seven fundamental needs that are essential to a child’s psychological development.
1 – The need for warm and stable relationships
Babies are social beings! It is through various interactions that they manage to connect with the people around them. Very young children can look at someone, stare at them, or make various facial expressions, and over time this creates exchanges with the people who care for them, to whom they gradually become attached. This is how the attachment process develops, and this special bond with a significant adult generates a feeling of inner security.
For a very young child, the attachment figure is often the person who cares for them most often with warmth and kindness, in this case, often the mother. However, fathers can also occupy this privileged position with the child, or an adoptive mother or other significant person who has regular and repeated contact with the child, allowing this special bond to develop between them.
2 – The need for physical protection, security, and regulation.
Young children are often unsettled by major changes in their environment. Moving house or divorce, for example, a change of daycare, the arrival of a little brother or sister… all these events disrupt their daily routine.
Babies need rituals and as stable a family and social life as possible, as this is what gives them a sense of security in their environment.
3 – The need for experiences tailored to individual differences.
It is often said that every child is unique and has their own emotional and relational baggage, but also their own learning style, depending on their age and maturity.
This is why the approach must be individualized and specific to the child. What works for one child can be completely disastrous for another, even for two children from the same family.
4 – The need for experiences adapted to development.
Each age has its own needs.
From the third to the fourth month, infants learn to feel secure based on their external experiences.
Between four and six months, it is more the development of inner security that will enable them to form trusting relationships with people in their environment.
Between the ages of 6 and 18 months, it is the development of language, words, and the organization of thought. Playing, interacting, and doing activities that evolve over time, according to what they learn.
5 – The need for boundaries, structures, and expectations.
A baby’s learning in its living environment inevitably requires gentle, repeated, and patient guidance. Well-established guidelines, taught consistently and with gentle firmness, help young children understand the limits that ultimately make them feel more secure.
6 – The need for a stable community and its support and culture.
There are people around a baby who can help develop a sense of belonging, making them feel loved, integrated, and accepted based on their language, culture, etc. Whether at home, with extended family, at daycare, or later at school, all of these environments are also important sources of personal emotional development in a young child’s evolution.
7 – Protecting our future.
With the breakdown of families today, we must remain concerned about children who, through no fault of their own, find themselves at the center of turmoil, in order to avoid emotional deprivation and a lack of response to their basic needs, which could have major consequences for their future.
Today’s children are tomorrow’s adults, our future society!
How should we view parental time?
Parents who separate are often concerned about how they will organize their parental presence with their child. The term “parental time” is now used to replace the old term “child custody” after a physical separation from the family environment.
Some mothers fear the potential trauma of their absence from their child(ren), and many fathers are afraid of losing contact with their young children. It is perfectly normal to feel these emotions. Everyone experiences a range of feelings that are sometimes difficult to manage individually and to reconcile during discussions to determine the amount of parenting time to be granted to each parent with their child.
The recent reform of the law (March 2021) on separations and divorces lists certain criteria to better assess each family’s situation before determining the amount of parenting time to be granted to each parent. These include the child’s age, emotional ties, history of care, and the presence of violence in the environment.
The new law no longer automatically grants 50/50 parenting time to both parents. It is now necessary to analyze the personal situation of each child involved in the family breakdown.
According to the most well-documented studies on the subject, it seems clear that only after the age of 2 or 3 can physical separation at night from the person with whom the child has developed the most secure attachment be considered, if the situation allows it.
Unfortunately, there is no magic formula for anyone, nor is there a perfect model that suits all families. When both parents are capable and competent to play an active role in their children’s lives, there are scenarios that can be considered to avoid destabilizing the young baby as much as possible. That is why, in cases involving babies, with their special needs and developmental limitations, judges may opt, in the best interests of the child, for a temporary, gradual solution to gently accustom the child to the separation, with a view to eventually achieving shared custody. This approach favors sole custody for the parent with whom the baby has developed the strongest attachment, while granting the other parent access rights that can be very broad, even daily, depending on each person’s circumstances. These repeated contacts ensure that the parent who lives elsewhere is aware of the child’s sleeping and feeding routines over time, in order to facilitate transitions when the time comes to take the child for longer periods. Some parents choose to take turns living in the family home and leave the young child in its familiar and secure environment at all times.
What is clear in the harmonious development of a young baby is that the child maintains frequent contact with both parents, since the concept of time, memory, and mental image of the absent parent is limited. These repeated encounters promote mutual understanding, create intimacy between them, and help the child feel comfortable and secure in a balanced relationship with both parents.
Practical tips to help a young child adapt during a separation
Here are some tips to help your child adapt:
- Cooperative parents who try to minimize the child’s exposure to their conflicts as much as possible. Reassure the child during transitions between parenting time and work as a team to meet their children’s needs.
- Have a stable and organized family environment. More stable and routine schedules at the beginning to promote a sense of security. Minimize changes in other areas of daily life as much as possible.
- Establish a close bond with siblings and extended family members.
- Tell children frequently that you love them, in a warm manner, using simple words and repeated displays of affection.
- Being a parent also means setting clear and consistent boundaries for your child, according to their age, as they need boundaries to feel safe and protected.
- Stay tuned in to your child, their reactions, emotions, and behavioral changes, which are ways of communicating their experiences to you.
- Ideally, wait until your children have adjusted to the changes associated with the separation before including them in a new romantic relationship.
- Parents must remain open to changing their parental presence over time as their child grows and ages and has different needs. Nothing is set in stone, and it is normal to review the game plan after a while to ensure that everything possible is being done to develop the child’s full potential.
In conclusion, it is clear that the breakup of a family is a difficult experience for everyone involved. It is essential that parents take advantage of the various services and programs available to reduce the negative impact on themselves and their children and to better navigate this transition.
It is also important to remember that separation or divorce does not alter the rights and responsibilities of parents toward their children. A parent remains a parent, even if the couple is no longer together. By putting the needs of the children first, this greatly facilitates the adjustment of everyone involved.
Marie Fortier
The baby expert
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